Becoming a Self-Taught Professional Illustrator #1 – How Grief and Faith Led Me Back to Art

Last updated on July 23rd, 2026 at 08:28 am

Hi! This is the start of a series of posts where I share about my creative journey! 🙂

Sometimes there are things you’re drawn to but you expect them to be nothing more than interests.

I’ve always been drawn to art but never thought of myself as an artist.

I loved drawing as a child. I’d copy cartoon characters from (badly) from TV shows like Powerpuff Girls, Kim Possible, and Winx Club, Disney Princesses and Barbie movies, as well as from children’s books like Rainbow Magic and Tiara Club. I also loved games with cute art – Pet Society, Club Penguin, Trollz, I hoarded a ton of art how-to books, and watch hours of art-related shows like Art Attack, Art Factory on TV. I created my own make-believe fashion store on paper, designing dresses and accessories. I was in the Art Club in elementary school, and my favorite class was always Art. It was the class that I was always consistently putting in lots of effort without anyone forcing me to (unlike my other subjects), and I did pretty well in it too despite my obvious lack of technical skills. Whether it was drawing pennants for National Day or creating lanterns for Chinese New Year and Mid-Autumn Festival, I always looked forward to it. I also took a few casual art classes for drawing and painting on canvas during the school holidays.

But it was always just a hobby… something I did on my own, something I never felt I was good at. And never thought would become anything.

Alongside this love for art, I loved reading. Maybe because I was really shy, and hated talking. And I just loved the adventure of a good book. So I was really into children’s books like Rainbow Magic, Tiara Club, The Wimpy Kid series, the Clarice Bean series, Enid Blyton books, Disney Princesses, The Roald Dahl series, and mystery/thriller series like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys.

I even tried my hand at writing a book after being inspired by Dressed to Steal (a book from the Nancy Drew series). I thought I wasn’t the best at writing a long book, and ditched the idea.

Even as you continue exploring and have found things you enjoy doing, you may have closed the door from pursuing them further in your heart.

In elementary school, I was also in the media club. And I learned about storyboarding, stop motion, filming etc. One of the best thing I’ve explored during my time there was blogging. I was influenced by the Tumblr aesthetic and spent hours designing and editing blogskins for my blog on Blogspot that I was satisfied with. And with that, I started journaling my thoughts and days… I wish I could say that these were sufficient to propel me to pursue art or design or write consistently. But I never took any of these seriously. Even though I was drawn to them, I never prioritized designing or writing. I was a highly impressionable kid who was easily influenced by others. I think I was looking for affirmation but never received any. It was as though I knew deep down that all these would always be seen as frivolous pursuits. And never dared to entertain thoughts of pursuing them.

In fact, I was told pretty early on that art wasn’t a “real path.” And I never saw it as one.

It’s easy to dismiss your creative inclinations as insignificant.

During that period of time, I also enjoyed music classes where I learned to use GarageBand – it wasn’t anything significant but I loved the process of making my own tunes then. I’ve also been learning the piano, but it (sadly) always felt like a chore. I figured I wasn’t creatively inclined at all.

Your upbringing often affects your outlook on life and what you should focus on.

It was ingrained in me from a young age that my focus should be on the core academic subjects. And that meant English, Chinese, Mathematics, Science.

With nothing else to offer in terms of skills, it seemed that the only way to graduate into a well-known middle school (or what we call secondary/high school in Singapore) was to excel academically. So as much as I hated it, I tried to focus on my studies. I suppose out of all the subjects, I enjoyed English the most. Maybe that was a decent discovery afterall.

When you’re impressionable, struggling with identity, and in an environment of driven individuals, you’re likely to follow suit to fit in.

I didn’t do that well at the end of elementary school. But I managed to enter a reasonably renowned high school that focused on Math and the Sciences. Throughout my time there, I felt like a total fraud. I was always struggling to maintain or improve my grades. And some years I did well. Others, not as well. The common thread was that whatever results I achieved was through a ton of struggle. Nothing ever came easy to me. Within the core subjects it was clear that I enjoyed English the most, and disliked almost every other subject.

In my school environment, I was barely exposed to art apart. We only had an hour of art lesson weekly for a few months. In addition, there was always this pressurizing, looming thought at the back of my mind of having to excel academically. The common refrain was that I had to do well in my studies so that I could excel at the college entrance examinations, enroll in a good college course, and get a good job. And by good it meant only three things – Business, Law, and Medicine. To add to that, the opportunities that were promoted in school were mostly related to academic programs and events for popular college courses. As an impressionable kid who always felt the need to fit in, I followed my driven classmates who seemed to know what they wanted…

It’s true that socialization and my school environment affected my outlook on life, and the things I focused on. Because even though I used to love art, I barely drew anymore. I felt like I was constantly torn between the things that I was truly interested in and the things that I should be interested in. Anything related to creativity was never encouraged in my environment, to the extent that they’re barely even talked about. It didn’t take me long to start rehearsing the reality that I was supposed to live. So when asked, I’d tell others that I want to study Business or Law. These felt like safe bets and were always supported.

The tough seasons could be beneficial, if you’re choosing to live mindfully (and not just run away from reality).

That said, as much as I tried to suppress creativity, it showed up in the trying seasons I was going through.

Because it had been such a long time since I last drew, I was afraid at the thought of drawing… And for years, that fear kept me from doing it.

Instead, I found myself pursuing other forms of art – taking photographs – snapshots of overlooked corners, and light in odd places. Writing came and went. I’d scribble thoughts, poems, and journal entries every now and then. I was drawn to anything artsy… pretty books, slow walks through art galleries or museums, the feeling of making something.

But none of it ever felt like art. It just felt like a casual outlet.. and me trying to make sense of things.

Seasons of grief could water the seeds of creativity.

Then came a season that broke me. A complicated 4+ year relationship ended. And the high school me just didn’t know how to cope. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. And I didn’t know how to hold the weight of all I was feeling. So I shut down. I withdrew.

I was preparing for the college entrance exams then. Life was already stressful. And grief made it almost unbearable. That’s when I started writing more consistently. Poems. Prayers. Blog entries on a private WordPress blog no one knew about. I wasn’t trying to be poetic… It was nothing more than a survival attempt.

At the same time, I began obsessively making try-hard “aesthetic” notes to motivate myself to study. I started a studygram and a studyblr. I’d find new cafés or random spaces to study in, take photos of my notes spreads, and share Bible verses I was clinging to. Writing down God’s Word on cards or post-it notes, and declaring it over myself, became a form of self-therapy. It helped me to focus when everything inside me felt like it was falling apart.

Poetry became my prayer.

Photography became how I saw beauty.

And eventually… I started to create again.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3

And yet, you might still not accept the path of being a creative.

I continued to view my creative pursuits as mere hobbies. And eventually pursued Law in college. My family was happy about it. And I thought this was what I wanted too – even though I honestly couldn’t picture myself working in a law firm. It was just not the life I dreamed of. Nor was it suited for me. And it was confirmed after doing several law internships during college.

You may take the longer route, but you’d uncover what matters to you along the way.

Grief lingered for a long time. It changed me in ways I’m still uncovering.

And for a long time, I blamed everything around me for my broken relationship. The environment I was in, the way I was brought up… the overwhelming emphasis on academics… I carried lots of guilt, self-condemnation, and constantly self-sabotaged.

In those subsequent years, I kept doing little creative things to cope… taking photos, writing my thoughts on little decorated Muji notebooks, attempting brush lettering etc. But I also tried to fill the growing void with distractions: K-dramas, books, anything to escape. Yet, all this while… I didn’t see it… my restlessness was simply a longing to focus more on God’s Word, to create, to express, to let my hands and mind wander.

I kept bouncing between extremes… chasing moments of spiritual intensity, then slipping back into numbness. I’d read Christian books, pour over Scripture, then get overwhelmed again and retreat into comfortable noise.

Then the pandemic hit.

Suddenly, I had more time on my hands with college classes going online. I found myself craving more time in God’s Word. I was watching sermons, taking notes… but I didn’t want to forget what I was learning. So I started visualizing them: drawing little doodles, making layouts, illustrating verse maps.

That’s how I finally picked up drawing again.

What started as simple sketchnoting slowly turned into an anchor.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” — Psalm 119:105

I began learning art fundamentals… sketching more intentionally, and trying different techniques. This little act of creating felt like the remedy my soul had been craving.

Maybe It Doesn’t (Need to) Make Sense

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I’d missed out on things.

Maybe I should’ve socialized more. Maybe I should’ve focused on other “more useful” skills. Maybe I should’ve stuck with some things I tried learning… or any other path that seemed clearer.

But the truth is… I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Because those peaceful moments of drawing, writing, and creating… they helped me stay afloat.
They gave me something to pour myself into when I didn’t know what to do with the ache.
They gave me focus when everything felt too loud and too heavy.

They helped me hold on.

If you’re feeling drawn to creativity, but never felt you were creative enough, or never had the affirmation you desire, I hope this portion of my journey encourages you.

You may have regretted the yesteryears. You may have seasons that broke you. But there’s still time. To experience life, to live to the fullest, and to start creating now.

Thank you for being here. 💓

— Nicole

Continue reading about the detours in my journey in my next post here.